Oct.5 2009
hmmm. i cant sleep. im studying. but im done studying. i know already. i cant stop thinking and sometimes i wish that my mind would stop interfering in my life, but it hasnt ,it cant, and it will never.ok. im ok with that. its like im sitting. i have the thoughts that need to be reeling through my mind, festering here in a box. closed box. they are all settled nicely,neatly within my box. but my box has tiny little holes that i can not see. and my thoughts start to leak as others find their way in. diabolic. i cant. no.wait. i shouldnt let my concentrated thoughts diffuse. all the focus and motivation is anchored to this box o' thoughts. i slowly start to slip as my box deflates. purging itself of anything to do with "my priorities" .
i watch my box die. i feel it die.
im happy its dead.
i have nothing. i am nothing.
we are all nothing and something.
what? yes we are.
hmm i guess what i mean is, take a hint from mr.mauch.
during osmosis water never WANTS to diffuse. It just does. It has no control over whether it wants to or not. It cant want.
so let your brain go through osmosis
take your concentrated mass of a brain and let it diffuse.
move from that low to the high.
without any input of energy.just let go.
let your mind wander;find its own path. no more forced knowledge.
...thank you mr.mauch...( mitosis are in my shoes-is.)ha.ha.ha
this is a self note.
i need to stop over thinking...life.
i need to let go.no more stress please.
i have no idea what im talking about but it did untie a few knots in my brain.
i feel better.
well enough to sleep.
goonight.
sleep tight.
much love.
i watch my box die. i feel it die.
im happy its dead.
i have nothing. i am nothing.
we are all nothing and something.
what? yes we are.
hmm i guess what i mean is, take a hint from mr.mauch.
during osmosis water never WANTS to diffuse. It just does. It has no control over whether it wants to or not. It cant want.
so let your brain go through osmosis
take your concentrated mass of a brain and let it diffuse.
move from that low to the high.
without any input of energy.just let go.
let your mind wander;find its own path. no more forced knowledge.
...thank you mr.mauch...( mitosis are in my shoes-is.)ha.ha.ha
this is a self note.
i need to stop over thinking...life.
i need to let go.no more stress please.
i have no idea what im talking about but it did untie a few knots in my brain.
i feel better.
well enough to sleep.
goonight.
sleep tight.
much love.
June 24 2010 to eddie zapata
so its one of those nights when youre sleepless. those nights happen too often and are undesired. but it happens and i cant deal with it.
so basically i need to occupy my mind on things that matter and not pointless drama that i create withing my own mind. not cool.
" i want someone to know me, maybe tell me who i am"
is it so bad to want some consistency in your life?
geez i just want something permanent.
and i know you get what im sayin eddie.
" [eddie] you got it goin on. not in a gay way but i hey way just wanted to say you were loookin good today. why cant a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly."
thats all i have to say to you eddie-uardo my peruvian friend
chk chk LOOKIN GOOD!
hahha
so anyway....i digress....
um isnt mankind's greatest fear to be alone? yeeaa i think so. so why is it so bad that i dont want to be alone. that i long for consistency. and that i feel like if i dont have consistency then i dont want it all.
im just trying to get over things and stop being so "emo" as someone i love would call me.
its hard and itll pass. but i wish people would realize that i need to dwell in it a little bit. i need to be sad sometimes and get over it. its not my fault that the things that make me upset are happening consecutively. it really not. its just a bad year err two years. but thats normal. the first few years are the hardest i assume.
the first two years after finding out you have AIDS. full blown AIDS. yea BAM! it got me.
no. not reallly. im sorry thats nothing to joke around about. im just trying to entertain myself as i type this hahah. im sorry.
anywhooooo
itll pass in time. and im saying this to you too. its hard but in time itll pass. right now its difficult but nothings going to be rainbows and butterflies ALL the time or a black cloud drowning all your thoughts...ALL the time. were stuck in the muck right now. eh were making our way out, but somehow as soon as were clearing out of the muck some asshole comes by and bumps us back in. uggh dumb people. haha
but its not impssoible to get out of. AND WE CAN DO IT!
gO PEP TALKS!
my point. just like everyone else, im goign to dwell in my petty problems for a little bit. im tired of faking a smile. im gonna sit in my muck and im gonna like it. cos i just need to let it out. to sit in it digest the emotion and move along and make room for happier emotions that i KNOW will come.
so lets dwell my friend. its ok. when i see you this weekend we will have a linkin park sesh in my car...again..haha yeaa again.
well scream and then laugh cos were idiots. and well feel better.
open up a shoe store already. ha. ha. ha. i know so original.
well my good sir im off to bed and i only suggest that you brush up on your linkin park lyrics cos this will be intense. hahah
night night. good day.
and LETS JIGADEE JET! =)
neva eva foreava eva?
hahahah bump it! haha
knight
night
nite
much love ccc eddie E
- cccc gabby
so basically i need to occupy my mind on things that matter and not pointless drama that i create withing my own mind. not cool.
" i want someone to know me, maybe tell me who i am"
is it so bad to want some consistency in your life?
geez i just want something permanent.
and i know you get what im sayin eddie.
" [eddie] you got it goin on. not in a gay way but i hey way just wanted to say you were loookin good today. why cant a heterosexual guy tell a heterosexual guy that he thinks his booty is fly."
thats all i have to say to you eddie-uardo my peruvian friend
chk chk LOOKIN GOOD!
hahha
so anyway....i digress....
um isnt mankind's greatest fear to be alone? yeeaa i think so. so why is it so bad that i dont want to be alone. that i long for consistency. and that i feel like if i dont have consistency then i dont want it all.
im just trying to get over things and stop being so "emo" as someone i love would call me.
its hard and itll pass. but i wish people would realize that i need to dwell in it a little bit. i need to be sad sometimes and get over it. its not my fault that the things that make me upset are happening consecutively. it really not. its just a bad year err two years. but thats normal. the first few years are the hardest i assume.
the first two years after finding out you have AIDS. full blown AIDS. yea BAM! it got me.
no. not reallly. im sorry thats nothing to joke around about. im just trying to entertain myself as i type this hahah. im sorry.
anywhooooo
itll pass in time. and im saying this to you too. its hard but in time itll pass. right now its difficult but nothings going to be rainbows and butterflies ALL the time or a black cloud drowning all your thoughts...ALL the time. were stuck in the muck right now. eh were making our way out, but somehow as soon as were clearing out of the muck some asshole comes by and bumps us back in. uggh dumb people. haha
but its not impssoible to get out of. AND WE CAN DO IT!
gO PEP TALKS!
my point. just like everyone else, im goign to dwell in my petty problems for a little bit. im tired of faking a smile. im gonna sit in my muck and im gonna like it. cos i just need to let it out. to sit in it digest the emotion and move along and make room for happier emotions that i KNOW will come.
so lets dwell my friend. its ok. when i see you this weekend we will have a linkin park sesh in my car...again..haha yeaa again.
well scream and then laugh cos were idiots. and well feel better.
open up a shoe store already. ha. ha. ha. i know so original.
well my good sir im off to bed and i only suggest that you brush up on your linkin park lyrics cos this will be intense. hahah
night night. good day.
and LETS JIGADEE JET! =)
neva eva foreava eva?
hahahah bump it! haha
knight
night
nite
much love ccc eddie E
- cccc gabby
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